I have been back in Manchester for a couple of months now. The boys are enjoying their time here. Now and again they decide that they want to return to YEG (Edmonton for you non Canada peeps) and usually it is on a random date. It’s ‘because it is this person’s birthday’ or ‘this is when they do this thing over there’ I usually just go with it and mutter the words we’ll see what happens and we will go back at some point, just not sure when. Today though, I had enough. I didn’t want to hear it. So, I exploded.

I don’t know when we are going back to Canada, but when we do, it will be up to me- not them-me. I often find that I am fighting with my own emotions regarding where I live in the world. I imagine people will think I sound very ungrateful about my next sentence.

I am the luckiest unlucky person in the world.

I have a place to call my own in two different countries. How many people can say that?! I have a city that has been so amazing since Dan died. That rallied around myself and my children. Took us into their hearts and minds and made us feel so much love. That said “We are here for you” during such a tragic event. By moving back to Manchester, I almost feel like I am telling them that all this wasn’t worth it. I don’t care about it- like I’m saying thanks for everything, but, yeah, I’m outta here ! but I do care about it. I really do.

Now, I am back in Manchester. One part of me can’t help but wonder what Dan would say. What he would think about it after all those years of being there. Making a new life for ourselves and new opportunities for the kids. Why are you bringing them back here? You were doing so well over there on your own! You had friends that were like family! They helped you! Why lose it all and go back to something that we left behind for a reason?! For ourselves and our children to have a better life?!  Why- well because you’re not here anymore and I need my family. The boys need their family. It’s not like they didn’t see their grandparents. We had facetime sessions weekly (god bless technology) and they got used to it. It was so expensive to go either way on a plane, they became the people that were just on the iPad screen. No real relationship. That isn’t what a grandparent does though is it. The kids were missing out on that family connection. That whole thing of going to grandmas on the weekend or staying over there for the night.

It doesn’t seem like much but thinking back to my childhood, I saw my grandparents all the time. Basically, every day. The boys didn’t have that. Now they do and they adore it. We live close to my parents and my mum works as a lunch supervisor at their school. It just worked out that way. We mainly see my parents. I’m not sure why but that seems to be the way it works right now. They call us to come around to their house for a takeaway or to see if I need a break from the kids. Other times we stay home and get on with our life as we would have anyway. Just having the opportunity to go around to your grandparent’s house and be allowed to watch what you want, do what you want, eat chocolate for breakfast is a wonderful thing for them to experience.

If I worry that I have made the wrong decision, I go back to that one word that we need right now.

Family.

C x