Since starting this blog, I have been flooded with memories about the weeks following Dan’s death. Things that I had put into the back of my mind. Things that maybe I didn’t want to remember. Things that had been lost in the madness and sheer magnitude of the weeks that lay ahead.

I was stood outside listening to all the voicemails and messages I had received. From there, I arranged for the boys to be looked after with their old childcare. They were excited. It was a sunny day and I let the boys play outside. Gabe was drawing all over the place with his chalks. I was either beckoned outside or a randomly went out . This Is what I saw..

He wanted his Dad to see it, y’know, seeing as he was now up in heaven. I added the hashtag EPSStrong. It had suddenly become a very popular tag for people to show their support. Giving him a hug and saying how kind that was, I walked inside. The house was full, people all talking around me, to each other, serious business, chit chat. I was still slightly- for want of a better term- zombiefied. My mind does begin to fade with I think about the order of what happened during the following weeks. But, here goes.

At some point I must have turned the radio on. The radio station was called 102.3NOW! Radio. Also just happens to be my (now former) workplace. They were doing the NOW! Takeover. An all request section of the show that ran from noon to one. The Chief of Police had confirmed Dan’s death to the various media outlets. So it was public knowledge. The station’s listeners were requesting a song named ‘Highway Of Heroes’. A beautiful song that was played often in respect of those servicemen and women returning home. For some reason, I felt compelled to message them. Being staff, you weren’t really meant to do that. I asked for Frank Sinatra’s ‘New York New York’ . Now, if you have attended a British wedding, or an celebration for that matter, this is usually the last song played. All the guests stand in a circle around the Bride and Groom/birthday boy or girl/ Engaged couple. Dan was quite introverted at the time of our wedding and having to be the centre of attention with a huge circle of people around him wasn’t his idea of fun. I can’t remember the message I sent but it was something about embarrassing him. A sad song didn’t seem right.No more sadness. I needed something happy!

Cx