A couple of days ago I finally plucked up the courage to do something. Something that I now feel is important to this whole ‘moving on’ thing that we’re supposed to do. I picked out a few names- ok, quite a lot of names- and asked them to help me. Help me go back to the weeks following Dan’s death.

Why?! Why would you do that? Why bring it all back?

I think it will help me find peace. It will fill in the gaps for me. There are so.Many.Gaps. I was so busy, I have no real memory of things. A close friend mentioned the wake that we had for Dan. More of a traditional type celebration rather than the huge celebration we shared with the city and the world a few days prior. It was still a full house, but private. For the people that were in my circle.

Now I’ve been reminded of it, I remember it was a truly wonderful evening. I got insanely drunk and threw my drink all over my friends lovely white couch. Oopsies! We enjoyed memories. We cried, we laughed. We had a catering company that provided british food. The room was full of laughter. Full of those that really mattered. I have lovely memories and snippets of the evening now so often appear.

The thing that made me sad was that I had to be reminded of it. Reminded of this wonderful occasion. Something so perfect. Something that brought me so much joy and laughter. Why did I not remember this? It should have been engraved in my memory. One of those things I could look back on and smile. That’s when I realised that I needed help. Help to bring everything together. What else had I forgotten? All my days moulded into one and I was stuck. My timeline wasn’t complete. I also wanted other people’s viewpoint on things. How they managed to deal with things. How they saw me. How they saw the boys. How they saw everything being shaped around them. I’m sure it would have put a strain on these people and I was basically stuck in my own little bubble. Almost selfishly none the wiser.Their perception was different to mine and, who knows, maybe it would help me remember things I had forgotten.

Taking a deep breath I typed away. I deleted it numerous times. I had contemplated asking everyone for so long. This could go one way or another. What if they didn’t want to? What if they simply said no? What would I do then? What if they said yes then I read it and I didn’t like what I read? So many things to think about. So many more than I realised.

I set up and email account so it could be more private. As of yet, I still haven’t logged on. I will. Just not yet.

Cx