A couple of weeks ago, I returned from Europe. It was a spur of the moment thing. I was sat on the couch looking at the rain outside my window. It was August and my house renovations were pretty much finished. I needed out. The boys needed out. I had been lucky enough to go to Greece but the boys stayed in Manchester. It wasn’t a bad thing. We all had a great time in our respective places, but I felt that they needed to get away. They had never been to Europe (minus 3 days in Disneyland Paris and even then it was December) So, looking at the rain with laptop in my lap, I searched for last minute holidays.

I was ready to just forgo the expense and get them a vacation that they would really enjoy and something that would give me a little peace and quiet, all the while giving them some wonderful memories.

The resort I found was amazing. So much for the kids to do! A kids club that was nothing short of amazing, and which aso gave me some time to myself for at least 2 hours a day.

Most of the time I was glad to be on my own. Being able to sink into my book and just relax without having to make conversation with the people around me. It was also great when I could get closer to the pool because I only needed one sun lounger when the boys were in kids club.

I also realised something though. I am a little superficial. On your own, your thought process is very strong. Almost like I was arguing with myself.

I didn’t particularly feel comfortable in my own skin and often noticed that I would cover up. And If I did get in the pool, I’d go the quickest and shortest route possible. same king of thing getting back out. Walking as fast as I could so I could cover myself in a towel. Then making sure that my cover up was resting over my stomach or upper thighs.

I also saw other people, other people who were probably feeling the exact same as me but being able to put those feelings aside. Well, maybe not, maybe they were feeling the same and praying that no one was looking at them.

Chunky thighs, slim thighs, large boobs, little boobs, perfect tiny waists, hour glass figures, round bellies, bellies with stretch marks. Bikinis, swimsuits, tankinis, running shorts.

And there I go. Judgy McJudgerson.

She has back fat like me. She shouldn’t wear those bikini bottoms. His belly is hanging over his shorts, I think I’d die if I looked like that. She’s got a lovely shape-I wish I looked like her. Look at how beautifully tanned he is. How does that person have that belly but have that guy/girl as their partner. For just having a baby she looks amazing… It went on and on.

What a bitch.

*On a side note though.. we all do it. If you’re saying you don’t then, I’m sorry, don’t believe you. “Claire! I can’t believe you’re like that! I’m surprised at you. I’d never do anything like that!” I don’t think so. I’m being honest here-some other people need to be as well.*

I looked at myself in the mirror everyday. I didn’t like what I saw most of the time. Thunder thighs. A lovely belly pouch from my 2 C-sections that I have made considerably bigger by being greedy and not eating the best way. Cellulite. Fat hands. Big calfs. Short.

One morning my boy looks at me whilst I’m looking at myself in the mirror. “Mum. Don’t go thin. Well, maybe a little thin because your belly jiggles. But only that. Otherwise you won’t look like Mum.”

It’s then I knew it wasn’t only about me. It was about them, too. So I get them to help me on my journey. If they want to tell me I’m a bit wobbly, so be it. It makes me put the extra chocolate bar down and we get down to a dance party in the house instead.

Its all about balance.

I’m working on it.

Cx

Now and again I will watch one of those extreme makeover type shows. This particular one was called ‘Extreme Weight loss:A Year To Save My Life’ or something along those lines.

I usually watch it with a cup of tea and a biscuit. This time, I was watching it with my boys. They were so engrossed in this man’s journey. Thing is though, it looked like he managed to change his life so quickly.

In the first 10 minutes you went from the time he was chosen to be on the show, to the first set of intense training, to his first weigh in. It was a crazy amount of weight that he dropped! Then the ads began. The second 10 minutes and he gets to his 6 month weigh in. Not as much weight lost but still pretty amazing. Ad break number 2. you get the idea.

Before the 3rd break it was his 9 month weigh in. And at this point, he had a realisation. The host kept asking him throughout the show what he was afraid of. Why he got himself into the situation he was in. What, deep down, was he not admitting to himself. What made him turn to all this food.

He took a deep breath and said he was gay. Now, I’m not suddenly professing I’m gay, but the next thing he said struck me the most. He said…

I’m lonely.

There it was, my “a ha” moment. I’m lonely. I have been since the day I moved to Canada.

Lets just get things straight. I loved being in Canada. I have so many friends, so many things that I have accomplished. It was hard and it was a long road to get there though.

When we initially came over to Canada, I was leaving everything behind. I really didn’t think it would actually happen, that we would actually go. I was nervously optimistic. It was going to be a fantastic opportunity for us!

Thing is, I was a bit of a homebody.  We lived about 20 minutes from my family and sometimes that felt like it was too far. Now, we were going to be 7 hours away on a plane.

Dan started pre-hire work within about 2 weeks of us being in the country, so I was left alone. Our only real friends lived a 40 minute drive from us. I didn’t have a car. I spent my days at home watching TV, walking around the same grocery store and all the other shops without being able to spend money, and going online. (I didn’t even know about facebook at that point!) On the days when my friend didn’t come over and pick me up for the day, I would sit and eat to fill the boredom. Dan worked a 6am-6pm shift often. So, I was generally left for a long time. I’d visit him by going on the train to downtown Edmonton but that was really it.

I gained. I gained a lot. I started going to a group that was called curves. It was closeby and lasted for an hour. You would do a 30 minute circuit. I found it tedious. I had my guard up so made no friends and just stopped going. Looking Back, I was obviously a little depressed. I missed everything. I tried getting a job but nothing I applied for seemed to work out.

When I eventually did get a job. I found myself. Well, to an extent. I still missed home. And it took me a year to figure out where I needed to be.

I don’t think that sense of loneliness has ever really left me. I shouldn’t feel lonely. I’m not really sure if that’s actually what it is. Maybe that’s an excuse to the fact that I can’t be the person that I was when I was 18. Confident. Able to speak to random people and make friends with them. Becoming so close that you go round to their house and spend time with them, going out for drinks etc.

I had that in Canada. I don’t here. I’m not doing anything different, and I don’t know how to change that.

C x