Do you remember the episode of FRIENDS where Rachel and Phoebe have a backup? I realised that I lost what I thought of my backup a long time ago.

I haven’t really bothered about relationships. I’m just not there. I want them but I don’t want them. I’d love to have that closeness and that wonderful relationship with someone but I don’t want to look. Why does it take so much effort? Why is it so much harder that it was before?

I’ll tell you why. Because things have changed. They’ve changed so much that I don’t want to have to deal with it.

1. Getting out there.
2. Meeting random people.
3. Striking up a conversation.
4. Going on a date with, well basically, a stranger.
5. Getting to know them.
6. Having a great time.
7. Having a crappy time.
8. Breaking up.

That cycle usually goes on for a while before you meet someone that you realise you want to spend your life with them. Just the thought of it all exhausts me.

I realised why. I thought I could go to my backup. I always thought I would end up with my backup at some stage in my life. I don’t think they even know who they are. No, don’t even ask because I’m not going to tell you their name.

Yes, I was married. Yes, I love my husband. No, I didn’t want to be with this person whilst I was married to my husband. Dan was my everything. We didn’t always get on but what marriage doesn’t have problems!

The fact of the matter is that my husband is not here anymore and I have to do this shitty cycle all over again.

My backup and I were young. We were friends and we were always there for each other. We lost touch for a long time. Then, out of the blue we connected again. Purely friends. Forever to be friends.

I moved on with my life- going to a different country. Happy in my marriage and my life. Having babies. They did the same.Which was fine. We were all happy.

Then… My world came apart and I was now alone.

I needed some time to register my new normal but I got to a point where I was ready. Ready for my back up. Only they were no longer there.

How dare they!

It may never have worked anyway but the fact that I wouldn’t get to see that just made the whole dating game seem that much more impossible and unachievable.

Maybe not having my back up is a blessing in disguise? Only time will tell.

Cx

1100 hours. I’ve not yet been asleep.  I’m restless. It’s the Grand Opening of Constable Daniel Woodall School. I’m not there.

I thought it was already open I hear you say. Well, yes, it is. The school opened it’s doors to K-6 students back in September 2017.

When a new school is opened, there is an official ceremony which takes place. All very “posh” but wonderful. There are plaques, speeches, acknowledgements from trustees, politicians.. Like I said, all sounds very posh but it’s a really lovely celebration.

I was quite set on the fact that I wouldn’t be attending the ceremony. I felt I couldn’t take the boys back to Edmonton before they had been back in Manchester for at least a year. From my personal experience, you have to stay in your ‘new home’ for at least a year before you decide if where you are is a good place to stay. I have one boy that wants to go back to Edmonton, and one boy that is now a fully fledged Mancunian. So as you can tell, I’m basically piggy in the middle.

Anywho..

Going without the boys wasn’t an option. It wouldn’t be fair. Going with the boys could have been difficult for them. Coming back to Manchester after a week or two in Edmonton, I felt, would have confused them more. We wouldn’t have been staying in our family home anyway as it is being taken care of by someone else.

Dan’s parents decided that they would attend. Once I had made the decision to stay there was still that tinge of guilt. I didn’t want people to think that I didn’t care, so I suggested recording a message to show my love and gratitude to everyone. Once that was done, I was happy. I was fine with the idea of not being there on the night.

Back to 1100 hrs. I’d not felt right all day. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe I was coming down with a cold-as we all know, a change in the weather brings a whole new bout of virus’. It wasn’t that though. I was suppressing the disappointment in myself. I should have gone. I should have been there for Dan. I should have been there for EPS. I should have been there for everyone. But, I couldn’t. It wasn’t fair. I was totally torn.

A wonderful friend called me via facetime. It was roughly 0100. I ran downstairs. Gabe heard me and came down the stairs. I hadn’t actually told them about the grand opening until a few days before. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Make them feel guilty. Make all those feelings about where they wanted to be come back to the surface. I told Gabe what was going on and we sat and watched the whole thing via facetime. Lots of smiling faces. Lots of wonderful speeches saying how proud they were about the school. How grateful they were for Dans memory to continue in such a wonderful way. Gabe loved it. He was proud and I was proud of him. He was so grown up about it.

I was glad my friends could enjoy this night and be there for me. Deep down, I wanted to squeeze them all tightly and tell them that I loved and missed them. But they already knew that. They got to celebrate with Dan’s parents for me. And I’m truly glad they did.

C xx