Do you remember the episode of FRIENDS where Rachel and Phoebe have a backup? I realised that I lost what I thought of my backup a long time ago.
I haven’t really bothered about relationships. I’m just not there. I want them but I don’t want them. I’d love to have that closeness and that wonderful relationship with someone but I don’t want to look. Why does it take so much effort? Why is it so much harder that it was before?
I’ll tell you why. Because things have changed. They’ve changed so much that I don’t want to have to deal with it.
- Getting out there.
- Meeting random people.
- Striking up a conversation.
- Going on a date with, well basically, a stranger.
- Getting to know them.
- Having a great time.
- Having a crappy time.
- Breaking up.
That cycle usually goes on for a while before you meet someone that you realise you want to spend your life with them. Just the thought of it all exhausts me.
I realised why. I thought I could go to my backup. I always thought I would end up with my backup at some stage in my life. I don’t think they even know who they are. No, don’t even ask because I’m not going to tell you their name.
Yes, I was married. Yes, I love my husband. No, I didn’t want to be with this person whilst I was married to my husband. Dan was my everything. We didn’t always get on but what marriage doesn’t have problems!
The fact of the matter is that my husband is not here anymore and I have to do this shitty cycle all over again.
My backup and I were young. We were friends and we were always there for each other. We lost touch for a long time. Then, out of the blue we connected again. Purely friends. Forever to be friends.
I moved on with my life- going to a different country. Happy in my marriage and my life. Having babies. They did the same.Which was fine. We were all happy.
Then… My world came apart and I was now alone.
I needed some time to register my new normal but I got to a point where I was ready. Ready for my back up. Only they were no longer there.
How dare they!
It may never have worked anyway but the fact that I wouldn’t get to see that just made the whole dating game seem that much more impossible and unachievable.
Maybe not having my back up is a blessing in disguise? Only time will tell.
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The Narration of I 