Hiya.

First of all… APRIL?! Where have those months actually gone? I mean, this year I was going to write and publish so much more. I know time passes by a lot quicker than we like to admit but, wow.

What’s been happening with you,Claire? I hear you ask. Well, I’m going to tell you.

I decided that I wanted to further my career a little while ago. I don’t know about you, but the thought of applying for a position within your current employment is actually quite terrifying. Why? Well, above all else, they all know you. I had initially decided to apply for a role that consisted of being mentored for the role that you would want to progress to in the future. During that application, another position popped up. This one was a full time role that was advertised externally. I decided to apply for them both. It seemed that a lot of the staff wanted me to apply too. Which was lovely to think that they believed in me that much in the short period of time that I had been there. They were wonderful. Giving me advice, helping me with wording etc. Bloody amazing people!

I had a good relationship with the management that were holding the interviews (not a typo, there were multiple). They had a pretty good idea of my role and the various ways in which I dealt with situations that arose. So, what was the problem? I refer back to the previous paragraph. Applying for a position within your current employment is, quite frankly, terrifying. I couldn’t really wing it. I couldn’t blag it- and don’t even try and tell me that you don’t extend the truth to make you look good, because that’s an almighty fib and you know it!

Oh..My..Word! It was and is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I didn’t get the main position, but was offered the initial position that I had applied for. Something I’m so glad I am able to pursue now. It’s giving me the tools I need for the future.

Ok..great story.. where is this actually going..? The thing is, I almost didn’t bother going for either role. I was brushing it off. Telling myself that I should really wait as I’d not been in the job long enough. I’d not had enough experience. I’d have to make sure the boys were prepared for the possible change in my hours. I’d have to make sure the boys were ready for the change. Common denominator? Negativity. All these people believed in me more than I believed in myself.

It can’t win. You can’t allow it to win. You can take the negativity and then switch it round. Life will always have some negatives.. it’s what you do to change that negative into a positive that helps you get ahead.

That’s all for now folks!

C x

This year marks the 6th anniversary of Dan’s death.

I had quite a wobble. As I have always said, the day after the event is my worst day and the trend continued. I always have a little cry the day after. If I didn’t, I think people would worry about me. This year, it felt like it wa affecting me more than usual. Why though??

Six months ago. I started a new position in a new school. A high school. Going from primary school age to high school age has been interesting to say the least. Both good and bad things. (There would be more good if I didn’t have to wear the bloody COVID masks. It just makes rapport so much harder to achieve) High school kids don’t like being told what to do. They push their boundaries WAY more than primary kids and, because they’re that much older, they understand and can challenge (mostly comically) the boundaries.

Anyway, my point is that it was all new. New people. New rules. New travel route. New start time. No-one that I already knew. No one that knew of my past. Neither of my children were in the school, and none of my family worked there. I first told my manager about those events not too long after I started. I felt that she should be aware. It was shared with a few people-just incase anything triggered something at any point. I mentioned on monday morning that this was- and I quote- my dodgy week. Tuesday (the 8th) I decided to bring some treats in for the staff. My idea being that it was a sad day but we needed to share some happiness and that meant fattening sugary goodness! It was fine. Genuinely fine all day. I had received loads of lovely messages on social media. I’d written a little status and received comments below it. All good. Feeling loved, acknowledged and appreciated.

The 9th of June.

It’s the morning. I’m ok. I do the usual routine. Kids off to school, me off to work. All of a sudden. BOOM. If someone looked at me, I was gone. I sat in the staff room at work and cried. Cried my little heart out. That tiny wail sound that comes out rather than the sigh and sniffling sounds that are more common.

My colleagues took one look at me and we all knew I shouldn’t be there. So, I went home. That’s a lie. I went to my mums and had a cuddle followed by a hot, sweet cup of tea. (We all know that everything can be solved with a cup of tea!) When I got back home, I lay on the sofa and let my body shut down for a bit by going to sleep. Later on that day, my Gran called me and asked if I was feeling ‘it’ more than last year based on a few different things I had done or said in the last few days. That’s when I realised… I was.

So, what’s the actual point to this whole post. Well, I think it’s to 1. Get how I was feeling off my chest, and 2. the realisation that grief can affect you at any point. Even if you think you’re able to manage it. Whether it’s one day after the event, one year, or even ten years.

C x

Today is one of those days you feel like you should treasure. A day that you feel the need to make really special. It’s a first for you as a parent and for your first born child.

The last day of primary school.

It’s felt a little flat though. We all know why… Covid-19. That pesky virus that completely changed modern day life in a way we never thought possible. So many milestones that have been stripped from so many people through no fault of their own.

This day should have been filled with excitement. Full of giddy year 6’s running around the playground frantically getting as many people as they can to sign their shirts- people who they won’t remember within a year, but right now, it’s so incredibly important. They will be getting ready for their leavers mass. Singing a song to all the parents who are trying their best not to wail in sorrow. Singing a song and watching them coming to the realisation that this is the end of something they have had as a constant in their life for the last seven or so years. Hearing their little voices quiver and their eyes glaze over with tears in their eyes.They should have had fun at their leavers play. Learning lines and getting to be silly.

Finally though, they should have had a celebration. Something purely for them, their achievements, and the fact they were taking another step in this big wide world of responsibility.

Instead.. nothing..

No hugs. No big send off from their school family. The teachers who want so much to tell them how they have loved watching them grow can no longer do that. Not in the way they wanted to. They can’t celebrate together as a class. as a unit. It’s not allowed.

I will celebrate you. I will embarrass you as I pick you up from school today. I will make a huge deal of the fact this is the last time you will be walking out of those school gates as a pupil. I will reflect on what an eventful life you have had in your 11 1/2 years on this earth. Moving from a different country. Moving schools. Having to completely re-write your narrative through life experiences that are not the norm.

I am proud of you and I am proud to be your mum.

On to the next chapter Gabe. It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but it will be worth it!

C x