After passing the facetime call with Dan’s parents to the Deputy Chief, I went to sit down on the sofa. It was basically 5 steps from where I had been stood but it seemed like it was so far away and my body felt tremendously heavy. The conversation and their voices began to fade into the background and my mind went blank. I was completely numb.

There was a constant stream of people entering the house. Police officers, friends, friends of friends. Every one of them crying and grabbing me with a big bear hug and a kiss. I wasn’t crying. At least I don’t think I was. This whole period of time is such a blur. Every so often, a little piece of information from a certain moment in time enters my head.

A moment I won’t forget is when the friend who, I was talking to on the phone when the police came. She had finished her shift and rather than making her journey home, she decided to come to me. She was- at that time- more of a friend to Dan, but that didn’t matter. I don’t remember her coming into the house, but we sat on the floor. Our legs stretched and our toes touching making a diamond shape on the floor. Or maybe we were crossed legged and our knees were touching? Either way, we made a diamond shape on the floor. That’s what I concentrated on. We were hunched over with our hands grasped tightly in the middle. It was all that was needed.

All these things were happening around me. People comforting each other. Talking about their friend that had gone too soon. Talking about the next steps in the coming weeks. Talking about the media. A whole mix of compassion, professionalism and despair. A group of Ex-Pat ladies- my British ladies, and also now my forever family- rallied around and took charge of the situation unfolding around them. Not on purpose, it’s just the way it worked out. They wanted to help in any way they possibly cloud. From one of them being voluntold {edit:apparently I was insanely bossy and ordered this lovely lady to take charge because I simply couldn’t} by me to take charge of the formalities, because I knew she would be level headed and keep me from decisions I would have regretted. One or two of them cleaning around so people had some place to sit, place their belongings and take in the news. One or two of them sitting next to me on the sofa, just keeping me coherent. The rest simply asking everyone if they wanted a cup of tea. Tea?! Yes. Tea. A hot cup of British stiff upper lip. Now… If you know anything about the British, you know that any issue can be solved or at least put into perspective over a good cup of tea.  Failed your exams? Have a cup of tea! Got fired? Have a cup of tea! Had your car towed? Have a cup of tea! You get it.

Anyway…

At one point I remember speaking with the police Chaplain. He had walked over to me in a calm, professional manner a few times and suggested that all these people left. He did it at least 3 times. To the point where I actually wanted him to leave. Did he not understand? I needed all these people around me. Every single one of them, I didn’t care that they were flooding out into the street. I needed them. And they were staying right where hey were

Slowly, people began to leave. A few stayed behind- they didn’t want to leave me and I was grateful for that. Even if I had shouted and screamed, I know they still would have stayed. Those that couldn’t stay felt terrible for leaving. I could tell. They shouldn’t have felt that way. No one could have suspected anything like this and hey had other unavoidable things. Like that thing you need to earn money. I eventually went upstairs to try and get some sleep. Being alone in my bed during the night was normal due to his shifts. Not this time though. I felt like a lead weight lying down. My body unable to more. Rolling over, I noticed his pillow. Grabbing it tightly I took a deep breath-it smelt like him- and cried myself to sleep.

When I woke, it felt like I’d only slept for a second. I couldn’t stay in this bed. Knowing that he would never sleep next to me again. That he’d never piss my off by continually snoring made me feel sick. I needed people. grabbing one of his tshirts from thw washing pile I walked down the stairs. Two of my ladies were lay on the sofa’s. I stopped on the stairs, just looking at them. At the early morning light coming through the windows. They awoke. I must have scared them to death. Walking down the final 3 steps with my arms heavy by my side, I  slumped onto the sofa into one of their arms. Finally I felt that rush of emotion. That release. The tightness in my chest released itself. She held on to me tightly and the tear began to flow.

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