It’s wedding season!

I’ve not been to all that many over the last couple of years. Mainly because I have been in Canada. This month alone however, I’ve attended two.

Weddings are wonderful. Emotions are high. People laugh, people cry. There’s all kinds of merriment from day to night. Everyone joins together in those feelings and make the day truly magical. The Bride and Groom can finally relax after all the planning, all their hard work. They see it all come together and can relish in what they have achieved.

I’m not an overly emotional person. Ok. That’s a lie. I’m not as emotional as I used to be. I’m hardened. Some things that should make me emotional, don’t. And things that shouldn’t. do. Generally, I don’t tend to get upset at weddings. My heart fills with joy, but no tears are shed.

Until Dan.

I attended a wedding a week after Dan died with the boys. I was fine and all of a sudden it came over me. From nowhere. A rush of emotion. The love that was in that room. The couples that were there, all feeling this kind of euphoria. I felt it and I wanted it. I wanted to share it with my husband. Only I couldn’t. It only lasted a few minutes but still it was there and I couldn’t hide it.

My cousin’s wedding in Dec 2015. I felt honoured to be invited. I had come back to Manchester for Christmas and was invited last minute. She didn’t have to do that. I had that same rush of emotion there. I couldn’t actually stay in my seat in the church. It was almost like a panic attack. Five minutes though and I was fine.

The first of my two weddings in 2017 was in Greece. The grandparents had my boys. It was wonderful to have a break from ‘single mum’ life. I was able to completely relax. Enjoy days in the sun without two little people in tow. I made friends that I may not have necessarily become as close to had the boys been with me. The wedding itself was beautiful. Set against the backdrop of a beach with the sun starting to set. It was everything that it should have been. Again, I cried. At a random moment. It was very close to Dan’s anniversary so I put it down to that. I was reminded that I was on my own. With the kids there or not. I was on my own. The only one not in a relationship. I don’t know why I find it so hard to handle. I don’t deserve to be on my own. I shouldn’t be on my own.

Cut to the wedding I went to on June 17th. My wonderful cousin Aimee. I have always been very close to her. I’d helped set the venue up the day before. You could tell it was the perfect venue and would be the perfect day for them. It absolutely was.

Something else happened that day. I didn’t cry. I didn’t have this rush of sadness. This feeling of wanting to be back at my own wedding. Sat with my husband reminiscing. I was just happy. Happy I was sharing in this wonderful day. Happy that I was with my family. Happy that I was simply, well, happy.

Maybe I have turned a corner. I can now start the process of moving on completely. Moving the horrendous part of that chapter to the back of my mind. Remember the positives that have come from it open my heart and mind to other things.

I will never lose my memories and I know they will come up on occasion. I know I will write about the boys, their feelings and my own. They are struggling right now and I don’t thinK that will subside any time soon.

But, that’s for another time.

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