Now and again I will watch one of those extreme makeover type shows. This particular one was called ‘Extreme Weight loss:A Year To Save My Life’ or something along those lines.

I usually watch it with a cup of tea and a biscuit. This time, I was watching it with my boys. They were so engrossed in this man’s journey. Thing is though, it looked like he managed to change his life so quickly.

In the first 10 minutes you went from the time he was chosen to be on the show, to the first set of intense training, to his first weigh in. It was a crazy amount of weight that he dropped! Then the ads began. The second 10 minutes and he gets to his 6 month weigh in. Not as much weight lost but still pretty amazing. Ad break number 2. you get the idea.

Before the 3rd break it was his 9 month weigh in. And at this point, he had a realisation. The host kept asking him throughout the show what he was afraid of. Why he got himself into the situation he was in. What, deep down, was he not admitting to himself. What made him turn to all this food.

He took a deep breath and said he was gay. Now, I’m not suddenly professing I’m gay, but the next thing he said struck me the most. He said…

I’m lonely.

There it was, my “a ha” moment. I’m lonely. I have been since the day I moved to Canada.

Lets just get things straight. I loved being in Canada. I have so many friends, so many things that I have accomplished. It was hard and it was a long road to get there though.

When we initially came over to Canada, I was leaving everything behind. I really didn’t think it would actually happen, that we would actually go. I was nervously optimistic. It was going to be a fantastic opportunity for us!

Thing is, I was a bit of a homebody.  We lived about 20 minutes from my family and sometimes that felt like it was too far. Now, we were going to be 7 hours away on a plane.

Dan started pre-hire work within about 2 weeks of us being in the country, so I was left alone. Our only real friends lived a 40 minute drive from us. I didn’t have a car. I spent my days at home watching TV, walking around the same grocery store and all the other shops without being able to spend money, and going online. (I didn’t even know about facebook at that point!) On the days when my friend didn’t come over and pick me up for the day, I would sit and eat to fill the boredom. Dan worked a 6am-6pm shift often. So, I was generally left for a long time. I’d visit him by going on the train to downtown Edmonton but that was really it.

I gained. I gained a lot. I started going to a group that was called curves. It was closeby and lasted for an hour. You would do a 30 minute circuit. I found it tedious. I had my guard up so made no friends and just stopped going. Looking Back, I was obviously a little depressed. I missed everything. I tried getting a job but nothing I applied for seemed to work out.

When I eventually did get a job. I found myself. Well, to an extent. I still missed home. And it took me a year to figure out where I needed to be.

I don’t think that sense of loneliness has ever really left me. I shouldn’t feel lonely. I’m not really sure if that’s actually what it is. Maybe that’s an excuse to the fact that I can’t be the person that I was when I was 18. Confident. Able to speak to random people and make friends with them. Becoming so close that you go round to their house and spend time with them, going out for drinks etc.

I had that in Canada. I don’t here. I’m not doing anything different, and I don’t know how to change that.

C x